Six years on: It still hurts just as much

Yesterday marked six years since I has said goodbye to Alexander. On his birthday this year, I didn't feel the same fear I usually experience when his birthday approaches, but yesterday, the pain was still very present.

I still remember 13th September six years ago- a Thursday, sunny yet cold in the shade, very much like yesterday. The night before, I spent the time alone with Alexander in a side room at the hospital. I remember clearly that around 7:30 in the morning, I held him out of his box; it was just the two of us, with no beeping machines or others around. I held him for about 10 minutes. Although the nurse offered more time, I chose not to take it. Even if I had held him for another hour, it would never have been long enough. The ambulance was also scheduled to transfer him to Keech Hospice, where his dad and I had decided to say our final goodbye to him.

I still remember dressing Alexander in his multi-coloured animal sleep suit with a zip on one side. He had spent most of his 16 days without clothes, so seeing him in that outfit made him look so grown-up. When the nurses removed his tubes, it was the first time I saw him without them. He looked so handsome. We had a teddy bear picnic, read to him and even flew a kite together. I still remember sitting by the pond in the garden with Alexander as the nurses stopped the oxygen. We had wrapped a balloon in his little hands and a little while later, he has somehow let go of the balloon. I knew then it was his way of saying goodbye. I held Alexander so closely and tightly but he was never coming back.

Elephants have become a symbol for me, representing Alexander. I will write more about this in another post, but because of this connection, I visit the zoo every year (except for 2020). It's comforting to see the elephants and although it might sound strange, I feel a special connection with them, especially when they seem to look right at me. This year, as I have done since Jamie was born, I took Jamie to the zoo. It was a difficult day but it was a good day, made brighter by spending it with a really good friend and her son, who is also Jamie's friend.

Alexander, your absence never eases. Forever my Alexander xx.