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16 Days

3 years ago today, I had to say goodbye to Alexander- my first-born. 3 years ago today, was the end of my 16 days with my beautiful, brave baby boy. If only I could have one more day, but I know if I did, I would want 1000 more. Am I greedy to have 16 days with you and want more? Am I greedy to think that Jamie’s big brother should be here with us?

It’s been a tough and lonely week and although it’s been 3 years, it doesn’t get easier. My memories with Alexander are bitter-sweet and that’s all I have. Sometimes I dream of him and when I wake up, I am left with memories again. Memories of watching him, feeding him, changing him, touching him, reading to him. I used to sing to him a song I made up in the NICU- I always stop now when I find myself humming it. I remember his silky soft skin, his face, his fine hair, his smell. I remember spending every one of those 16 days not wanting the day to end. I remember knowing that with every day spent with Alexander, it was another day closer to parting with him. Those 16 days were the longest and yet the shortest. Those 16 days were the only time I had with Alexander. I still remember the morning of the 13th of September 2018. It was a crisp sunny morning. I remember holding him – it was just me and Alexander before we got ready for our trip to Keech. I was alone in the side room with him and held him for 10 minutes. For the first time, it was just me and Alexander. I remember the nurse asking shortly if I wanted to hold him for longer and I said no. Well, I did but not for another 10 minutes or an hour.

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